Stream of Consciousness- Egg basket surprise

I wasn’t sure when would be the right time to share the news. Last time we jumped the gun and ended up having to explain loss to a 4 year old. It was so hard to explain why her baby brother or sister couldn’t come be with us. It took a toll on me like none of the others had before. I took time off of work and ended up locking myself in Curly Girl’s room and painted and redecorated the whole thing. She caught me crying in the shower a few times over the next year and I wasn’t able to blame the tears on the water streaming down my face because the involuntary shaking from crying so hard was unmistakable even for a 5 year old. It took me a while to recover from the last miscarriage.

I didn’t know when the right moment would come. Should I wait until after the 12 week mark? Did it really matter? Last time I was so close and I still lost the baby. I decided not to let fear control my choice. I wanted to celebrate the news and let my big girl know that she was going to be a big sister. This time it would be different. I had to make myself believe it was true. This time the baby would make it. I had to force myself to connect with the baby because I felt horrible finally having a child inside of me but being scared to let the flutters inside stir up any feelings or attachment. I had to convince myself that everything was going to be alright.

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I went online, ordered books and a bracelet and a teddy bear. All items about being a big sister and that would not only be a clue but a guide to transition from a family of 3 to a family of 4. I picked everything very carefully so that she would feel special and we could bond and enjoy the journey leading up to the day she would be able to welcome her sibling into our hears and home. So as hard as it was for me, I put everything into the Easter egg basket and surprised my Curly Girl two years ago with the news that she was going to be a big sister.

Each year at this time I’m reminded not only of the symbolical rebirth that spring and Easter bring along. I remember the fear and unease I felt and look at the little person that is apart of our family today and can’t imagine life without her. She has brought so much joy and laughter into our hearts and we love her so much. She is the answer to many prayers and wishes on shooting stars.

This post is prompted by the Stream of Consciousness weekly prompt of choice over at Linda’s blog. If you’d like to participate, make sure to follow Linda so you can receive the prompts on your reader. 

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16 thoughts on “Stream of Consciousness- Egg basket surprise

  1. Oh, I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that must’ve been, Niki. But I love that you found strength & hope and now new meaning in Easter. And what a beautiful way to let your little one know she was to become a big sister 😊

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      1. I can see the benefit of writing from a prompt. It really opens up the mind & as you know, it can be surprising what comes out. It’s good that you’re able to talk about it too. Not just from a personal healing perspective but for the kids too. I think when adults can talk about difficult or painful subjects, in a way that makes them not taboo – it helps our kids to grow up better adjusted by knowing that whatever life throws at them, they’ll never have to deal with it alone.

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      2. I love not only using a prompt but this writing style. Writing whatever comes to mind and letting it flow without filter and little to no editing. Fun to let the mind run without censor for a while.

        I hadn’t thought about that, that’s an interesting perspective. I like it! 🙂

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      3. I agree, it’s a great way to write. Just let it all flow. I’ve actually just looked up Linda’s blog & starting following it as I think the SoC prompts could be worth trying 🙂
        I’ve been toying with signing up for the A-Z challenge too … Just mapping out potential topics so far.

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      4. It’s a lot of fun! I can’t wait to see what you come up with. Join the A-Z challenge, you can incorporate your beautiful pictures, you’ll do amazing! I have my topics pretty much chosen, I need to really get on it though. This month has flown by!

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  2. What a wonderful story! Thanks for sharing this. I could relate as my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage after 16 weeks. But hope is never wasted. I’m so thankful my son got to be a big brother.

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    1. Thank you. She was so thoughtful and kind about the situation. Every now and then she asks about our babies in heaven, I’m not the only one that thinks about them. We are very grateful for our spunky little one.

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  3. Beautiful…I’ve never experienced this type of loss, but I do remember being nervous about when to tell my oldest that I was pregnant with her little sister. You really captured your feelings in this piece 🙂

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    1. Thank you. It’s always a difficult decision whether you’ve experienced it personally or not. Thank you, it’s very therapeutic to write about because otherwise I’d still struggle with a sense of guilt but when I write about it I own my feelings and release the shame or guilt.

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