April is a bitter sweet month for me. Sweet because it’s the month of my wedding anniversary (coming up this week in fact) bitter because I would have welcomed a baby in 2012 or 2013 had both pregnancies not ended in early term miscarriages. I get pretty sentimental and go on a roller-coaster of emotions every year around this time. The past three years have been different though.
You see I had a dream in March of 2014 in my dream the message I was given was that for every angel baby (miscarriage) I would have a rainbow baby (baby born after a miscarriage). I had 3 consecutive angel babies (2010, 2011 and 2012) and in December 2014 I had my first rainbow baby. I had that dream about a week before I found out I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. So even though I mourn the loss of the babies that no one knew but me, I find comfort in divine timing. There wasn’t a better time for me to have that dream, or get pregnant because the cycle comes full circle. The pain fades a little more every year as I watched my belly grow and then watch my daughter grow. I will always remember my angel babies because I carry them in my heart but I’m so thankful for the rainbow I’ve been given. She’s a beautiful gift that I treasure.
I remember going to my mom’s for lunch two years ago after having had a massage and when I walked through the door of her house I almost threw up. My mom is a great cook so I couldn’t fathom where that horrible smell was coming from and couldn’t understand why no one else could smell it! Not only did they not smell it but they readily ate that stinky food. I walked right back out, went to get some Mexican food and ate outside. On my way home from my mom’s I decided to buy a pregnancy test from the dollar store- first time I ever did that, but after having wasted a small fortune on expensive pregnancy tests over the years I figured what’s a couple of bucks?! Plus I wasn’t expecting it to be positive I was just a compulsive pregnancy tester by this point. I took the test and set it aside on the bathroom floor, leaving it level and rushed to wash my hands and get in the car because I was going to catch a movie with my husband.
We went to the movies and grabbed something to eat afterwards. I had long forgotten the pregnancy test I left unchecked at home on the bathroom floor. I had taken hundreds of tests over the 5 years of trying to conceive and this was the first time I wasn’t anxiously awaiting a positive test. We were due to go to Vegas in a few weeks for our anniversary so I took it just to discard the chance of pregnancy as I’ve been pregnant in Vegas before and it was no fun…We had a great time on our Vegas anniversary trip the year before and were looking forward to alone time, reconnecting and taking a break from trying to have a baby that might have resulted in making a baby 😉 So we got home from the movies, and started getting ready for the week ahead. It was Sunday night, I picked out my daughter’s clothes for kindergarten the next day and went through all of the usual evening bedtime rituals. As I went to go to the bathroom before going to bed I saw the pregnancy test on the floor. I had completely forgotten about it!
I threw it away without looking at it because the window to check it had long passed. Then I thought what’s wrong with me?! How could I throw away a test without checking it and quickly picked it out of the (mostly) empty bathroom trashcan. I looked at it and couldn’t believe what I saw, two lines! Then I wondered if it was due to an error as I had read the results hours after I was supposed to. So I took to Google. I was on it for hours trying to find definitive answers as to whether results after the allotted time were accurate. I know what you’re thinking, just take another test right? Well I didn’t see the pregnancy test until after I had already gone to the bathroom so I figured I’d drink a ton of water and then take another test in the morning. As a serial tester I usually had tons of pregnancy tests in the house but it just so happens I didn’t and I only purchased two pregnancy tests at the dollar store… go figure.
So there I was, up all night. Too excited and anxious to sleep. Kicking myself in the butt for only having bought two pregnancy tests. Then wondering if I was getting my hopes up because how accurate could a $1 test be?! After all I was used to paying $15 for the fancy ones. Back to the internet I went to research the reliability of dollar store pregnancy tests. All of the material I read suggested they were in fact pretty reliable and in some cases even more sensitive than the fancy name brand test I’d been buying for years. Great, then back to search if a positive result after the “window” was accurate. Nothing conclusive. Come on! I tried to hold the two glasses of water until the morning but when you don’t go to sleep it’s so much harder to hold it… so two hours after drinking them, I caved and wanted to take the test! I remembered I stashed a fancy test for emergency confirmation purposes only. I tore the cabinets under the bathroom sink apart trying to figure out where I hid it from myself… I found it and lost every ounce of self-control and reason that told me to wait a little longer.
I was immediately regretting my decision! I know first thing in the morning is the best time to test, I’m no amateur. I read the results and woke up my husband, it’s positive, it’s positive! We were cautiously excited, the lines were there but very very faintly. I took the test too soon after drinking so much water… At that point neither one of us was able to sleep. I started to dose off a few hours later only to have to get up within the hour to get ready for work. I was groggy and exhausted but fueled by excitement, grabbed the test and ran to the bathroom. I was hardly able to open it up I was so excited (and I really had to pee…) This was my first reliable, doubt free, no need to take to Google to search scenarios, positively positive pregnancy test! I took a picture and texted it to my mom at around 47 am. She called within the half hour when she woke up and couldn’t believe I hadn’t told her the night before as I told her how the events unfolded. I didn’t want her to get all excited if it was in fact an error. She said she knew I was pregnant from the moment I walked in the door and walked out gagging because the smell of my favorite pasta dish (Fettuccine Alfredo) made me sick…